Steve Chatterton
Will Write for Food
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Zippy One-Liners

June 1st, 2014 by Steve
Photograph by Greg Daneault

Photograph by Greg Daneault

An old girlfriend once asked if I’d take a bullet for her. I said, “To be honest, it’s all I can do to take the bus for you.”

If a tree falls on a florist, would any disappear?

While out for a walk I meet a fisherman. “How’s it going?” I ask. He says, “It sucks! Not a bite all day!” So I sick my dogs on him.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I’d much rather drive.

Women can multitask out the wazoo, but it takes a man to talk and eat at the same time. Only guys can chew the fat both ways simultaneously.

Why do gay men like women who look like drag queens? If I was gay, I’d stay in the closet for fear people thought I was a Liza Minnelli fan.

If the government has to run like a business, can that business at least be a deli? Then, no matter what number I draw, I know my voice will be heard eventually.

Dogs give men something women would never allow; unconditional love with just a subtle overtone of forcible confinement.

Oysters are the ultimate aphrodisiac. Everything else is fair game after you’ve put that in your mouth.

I thought my neighbours ran a grow op; turns out they’re this nice old couple that leave their car in the garage, don’t go out much, and don’t appreciate police raids.

A canine can have “all the virtues of man without his vices,” but “a dog half-way to heaven will still eat dung.”

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