Steve Chatterton
Will Write for Food

Religion: Undeclared

May 21st, 2014 by Steve
Photo by Gareth Weeks

Photo by Gareth Weeks

When I first attempted university (it didn’t take, no matter how many times I tried), I left my major undeclared as long as possible. I guess I was afraid of commitment, of being locked down, and possibly getting stuck in a boring career (like there are other kinds of careers).

Finally, on the last possible day, my faculty adviser pulled me aside and gave me the ‘now or never’ speech (now also known as the ‘s*** or get off the pot’ speech), and I resigned myself to my fate.

“Okay,” I said, “how about something that leaves a lot of doors open for me when I graduate, something like… philosophy.”

He replied with bemused silence, soon drowned out by chirping crickets. Talk about a hard room.
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How I Became a Stay-at-home Dad

May 14th, 2014 by Steve

A lot of men ask me, “Can I be a stay-at-home dad just like you?”

The first thing I do is start answering their questions with a bunch of other questions, knowing full well how much it ticks people off.

“Are you sober right now?” I ask. If they reply yes, I ask my follow-up, “Have you been dropped on the head recently?”

You see, I need to know they are not making a rash decision, that they have thought this through, and that they are of sound mind, for being a stay-at-home parent is not to be entered into lightly. Gingerly, perhaps, but definitely not lightly.

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No, You Turn!

May 6th, 2014 by Steve
Photo by Colin Broug

Photo by Colin Broug

When I was learning to drive in high school, my driving instructor asked me a riddle as we pulled up to an all-way stop: “Four drivers arrive at a four-way stop at the same time. Which one goes first?”

I suggested “age before beauty” as a possibility, but it didn’t get the laugh I hoped for. Sorting it out by order of height, whether tallest to shortest or vice versa, would be difficult with everyone in a seated position, and deciding it by a quick game of rock-paper-scissors would be problematic with four players who couldn’t hear each other well.

“The answer is,” said the clearly exasperated instructor, “the one on the right.”

“But every car is the one on the right in that scenario,” I protested.

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” he replied, giving me the distinct feeling weren’t going anywhere, as if we were actually going around in circles. To make matters worse, he refused to clarify further.

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Camp NaNoWriMo Aftermath

May 2nd, 2014 by Steve

2014-Participant-Facebook-Cover

Well, my first NaNoWriMo experience has come to an end, and I’m pretty happy with the results. I set myself a goal of writing 10,000 words in the month of April and I managed to pump out 11,265. Not too shabby. Here’s a quick run down of what I got out of the experience…

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All Hands on the Poop Deck

April 29th, 2014 by Steve

My son turned nine recently. He has the honour of sharing his birthday with people like Shemar Moore (Criminal Minds actor), George Takei (the original Mr. Sulu), Luther Vandross (singer), Andy Serkis (Gollum), Crispin Glover (creepy), Stephen Marley (musician/son of Bob), Ryan O’Neal (actor), and Tito Puente (musician/no relation to Bob).

I only mention this because I’m tired of everyone pointing out that he also shares a birthday with Hitler, and I’d like to downplay that association as much as I can. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve had people point it out to me. Congratulations, your child was born on the same day as one of the biggest monsters in human history! is not exactly something parents want to hear.

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