Steve Chatterton
Will Write for Food
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An Open Letter to Boreas, God of the North Wind

February 25th, 2014 by Steve

BoreasDear Boreas, venerated Greek god of the cold north wind and the bringer of winter,

Enough already. We get it; you’re a god, we’re puny, insignificant mortals. You’ve proven your point ad nauseam this year. You’ve caused snow to fall in almost every part of Canada and the US this winter, and I’m pretty sure you’re responsible for all the ice that seems to have a death grip on the sidewalks around here. You’ve really outdone yourself this time. Might I suggest you knock off early and put your feet up for a bit.

We all know that your power and your fury are the stuff of legends.You are said to have protected Athens on several occasions when the good Athenians prayed to you, at one time sinking 400 Persian warships. Wow! We’re all really impressed down here, let me tell you. With some accomplishments like that under your belt, no one would think ill of you if you took some time to rest on your laurels.

And that whole polar vortex thing earlier this year. Holy heck darn that was really something else. I thought my eyeballs were going to freeze solid at one point. Good work; you’ve totally earned a break.

Perhaps you’d should consider traveling. I hear Bali is lovely this time of year. Ditto Mexico. It’s been a while since you’ve been able to enjoy some place warm, hasn’t it? A change is as good as a rest, they say; if you refuse to take a break, I’d say a new locale is definitely in order.

It’s been a while since you saw your old buddy Notus of the south winds, right? Maybe you could get together and see what kind of trouble you can stir up. Just not here, thank you very much. All things considered, we’ve had just about enough of you, if you don’t mind my saying so.

Honestly, I know you’re a god and all, but it’s not like you’ve ever been one of the twelve on Olympus. I wouldn’t say this to Zeus, but I have no problem saying it to you; give us a break already. I mean it. Get lost. Buzz off. Don’t let the door hit you on the backside on the way out.

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