Steve Chatterton
Will Write for Food

My Two Cents on Ghomeshi

October 29th, 2014 by Steve
Jian Ghomeshi and allegedly consenting partner

Jian Ghomeshi and allegedly consenting partner

My takeaway on the whole Jian Ghomeshi sex scandal is this:

  1. Canadians are never quite as boring as they seem, and…
     
  2. Although I’ve never had the need for one, nor do I foresee myself ever needing one, I myself am often surprised by life’s little quirks, so, should the need ever present itself, I just want you all to know that my safe-word is Excalibur.
     

Thank you.

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The Stand Up Set that Wasn’t

June 24th, 2014 by Steve
Photograph by Greg Daneault

Photograph by Greg Daneault

A few weeks ago I signed up to do an open mic at a local comedy club. I had to cancel at the last minute due to conflicting family commitments. Anyway, here’s what I wrote for it.

- – -

I’m doing a lot of dog training lately. Our Husky has some “behavioural issues.” It would seem he’s chosen the path of leash resistance.

Ever notice there’s a fine line between training a dog and just being a crazy person with a four-footed companion? And no one can tell the difference by looking.

You’re there with the dog saying things like: “Sit, Rover. I really need you to sit. Sit! Sit for me. Sit for me and get the treat. You want treat? Then sit. Sit Rover! SIT! That’s a good boy. Way to go, Rover! I’m so proud of you, boy!! I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD GET UP!!!”

I don’t care how intelligent you are, the moment you try reasoning with a dog you look like a bipolar redneck on vacation in Paris with Tourette’s Syndrome: “I – need – you – to – listen – to – my – words, dammit! Good doggy!!!”

Meanwhile, the dog’s thinking: “You know, canine communication is so simple. We bark, we growl, we wag our tails. If you won’t do any of that for me, where’s my motivation to learn your language?”

A Dog-in-training get the short end of the stick in this world. We make him to bend to our will, play by our rules, and wear those stupid bandannas. Meanwhile he sees the neighbour’s dog bouncing around like a maniac, barking its head off, sniffing people inappropriately, and he got to wonder: “Why is my human such a hard-ass? That dog’s living the dream!”

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Zippy One-Liners

June 1st, 2014 by Steve
Photograph by Greg Daneault

Photograph by Greg Daneault

An old girlfriend once asked if I’d take a bullet for her. I said, “To be honest, it’s all I can do to take the bus for you.”

If a tree falls on a florist, would any disappear?

While out for a walk I meet a fisherman. “How’s it going?” I ask. He says, “It sucks! Not a bite all day!” So I sick my dogs on him.

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Religion: Undeclared

May 21st, 2014 by Steve
Photo by Gareth Weeks

Photo by Gareth Weeks

When I first attempted university (it didn’t take, no matter how many times I tried), I left my major undeclared as long as possible. I guess I was afraid of commitment, of being locked down, and possibly getting stuck in a boring career (like there are other kinds of careers).

Finally, on the last possible day, my faculty adviser pulled me aside and gave me the ‘now or never’ speech (now also known as the ‘s*** or get off the pot’ speech), and I resigned myself to my fate.

“Okay,” I said, “how about something that leaves a lot of doors open for me when I graduate, something like… philosophy.”

He replied with bemused silence, soon drowned out by chirping crickets. Talk about a hard room.
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How I Became a Stay-at-home Dad

May 14th, 2014 by Steve

A lot of men ask me, “Can I be a stay-at-home dad just like you?”

The first thing I do is start answering their questions with a bunch of other questions, knowing full well how much it ticks people off.

“Are you sober right now?” I ask. If they reply yes, I ask my follow-up, “Have you been dropped on the head recently?”

You see, I need to know they are not making a rash decision, that they have thought this through, and that they are of sound mind, for being a stay-at-home parent is not to be entered into lightly. Gingerly, perhaps, but definitely not lightly.

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